This therapist explains the impact of your relationship with your parents as a child on how you relate to others in adulthood.

At this point, my TikTok For You page consists of everything from recipe roundups and adorable dogs doing tricks to makeup tutorials — all with some dating advice videos sprinkled in.

The term attachment style is often used in TikToks that discuss dating and relationships.

TikTok For You "attachment styles" pages

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In case you’re unfamiliar: Attachment styles Different ways of being in relationships. They are developed in childhood, are influenced by the child-parent relationship, and are often brought to adulthood.

A couple in the living room at home

There are four different attachment styles — and attachment theory says that every person maps closest to one or more of them.

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To get a better understanding of all things attachment styles — including what the four of them are, how they affect relationships, and more — BuzzFeed reached out to Jeff Guenther, a licensed counselor, is known for providing relatable and insightful relationship advice. TikTok.

Jeff Guenther

We should first define the types of attachment style. Four types of attachment styles exist: secure, anxious, and avoidant.

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1.Anxious Attachment style

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“An Styles of attachments This is exactly how it sounds. Jeff told BuzzFeed: “You feel anxiously attached, so you need more reassurance and validation.”

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Jeff added that those with an attachment style characterized by anxiety often feel like they are sensitive or needy. They also don’t ask for what they want or need.

Jeff says that the most common reason for someone to become an anxious attachment type is because they were not given enough love as children or did not get all their needs met.

2.Avoidant Attachment style

A person holding their hands to their head with their eyes closed

Avoiding the attachment style Most people grew in a home where they were not taught to talk about feelings and emotions. Jeff explained that this type of person also did not get their needs met.

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Jeff said that avoidant attachers are not very vulnerable and get easily overwhelmed with their emotions. He said that avoidant attachments need space and time to process their feelings.

3.Secure Attachment Style

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People with Autism Secure attachment style Most people grew up with a family that met their needs You can find out more about it here. Jeff said, “I met many people and they felt validated and understood on an emotional level.”

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Jeff, a BuzzFeed reporter, said that “people with a secure attachment style have emotional boundaries and are able to express their feelings pretty freely.” They understand when they feel overwhelmed by emotions and know what to do to ground themselves.

4.Disorganized Attachment style

A man looking stressed

“These people are usually survivors of serious trauma.” People with disabilities Attachment style disorganized They may have been raised by parents or caregivers that were alcoholics or drug addicts. Jeff explained that this attachment style was a result of growing up with the feeling they couldn’t count on anyone.

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“Disorganized attachment style really wanted to feel safe with their parents but they knew it wasn’t safe. So, this attachment style wants people to be near them. [they think], I trust you, but I will get hurt. I will be abused. This is going to a horrible experience. — so it’s a real roller coaster,” Jeff told BuzzFeed.

He said, “It is also extremely difficult to be this person because you want to connect so badly, but are so afraid to do so because of the pain you have experienced in the past.”

Jeff stressed the importance of understanding your attachment type to navigate healthy relationships. “I think you should understand where you are at and own it. [your attachment style] Jeff explained to BuzzFeed how the brain works, what you do, and when you are triggered. “It’s important to accept and own your feelings. You will begin to gravitate more towards secure attachment. It’s just a natural thing to happen.”

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He added, “When there is any shame or guilt that you may feel about your attachment style, you should remember that this is not your fault.” It’s what your family gave you when you were little — and you had absolutely no control over it.”

Attachment styles affect relationships — friendships, family dynamics, and even romantic relationships — so it’s important to understand not only your triggers but also the triggers of the other person in the relationship.

You must be able to understand the other person. [baggage]. You have to try your very best not to take it personally — even though you’re definitely going to take things personally, especially at first,” Jeff explained.

Jeff explained to BuzzFeed that if the avoidant is an anxious person, then the anxious person may recognize the behavior of the avoidant and say, “Oh, you look like you are feeling overwhelmed,” so they offer some space.

“If you are the one with the attachment anxiety, you understand the need for reassurance. You give it. It’s like you anticipate what an anxious or avoidant person may need and provide it, even if you feel uncomfortable. “These relationships can be a huge source of healing, often,” said he.

A couple sitting across from each other and holding hands

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It is important to note that attachment styles change with your life experiences.

“It seems like people diagnosed themselves because their emotions were high during the pandemic. Jeff explained that a person may have been an anxious attachment in the past, but now they feel avoidant due to being isolated.

Most people will likely move up and down on the spectrum of attachment style throughout their lives. Your attachment style is fluid. He said that we could sometimes skew in one direction or another.

Jeff has also stressed that attachment styles don’t matter. Everything is better with a little help. “You are more than your attachment type. You have to find a balance of not being too obsessed with it, not letting it rule your relationship — but also respecting it, because it is a thing that comes up,” he explained.

Jeff said it is important to reach out to your friends and community when you notice that your attachment style influences your behavior or the way you think. “Your friends know how you feel when you’re in a relationship, or just starting one,” Jeff said.

“Let them know that you need help, you need support, in addition to doing some sort of reality testing — such as journaling to sort out your emotions and put them on paper,” Jeff told BuzzFeed.

Jeff has a lot to say about relationships, self-growth, and more. Check out his website. TikTok The following are some examples of how to use website.

What do you think of attachment styles? Comment below.

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